Monday was a storm cloud. I was still fuming from a run in with our ward Visiting Teaching Nazi (Her title is Coordinator – but she’s more of a Gestapo) from the day before. Had nightmares about her all night and woke up feeling very un-Christian towards her still. My drive to work was one big long plea to Heavenly Father to help me shake my bitter feelings. Found out at lunch that one of my closest friends is expecting again. I’m genuinely happy for her but I have to admit feeling just a bit jealous. Meanwhile, I was having all the physical pains that made it evident once again that I was most definitely not expecting anything in this lifetime.
Just after my lunchtime run which should have sparked up enough endorphins to shake the pall, another friend forwarded a darling little spam of a bunch of adorable smiling sleeping babies. Normally I’d have smiled and thought it was sweet before hitting the delete button but hormones were definitely playing a principal role in the script of the day and those smiling babies just made me more melancholy. I was having a hard time counting my blessings and was feeling very very small. Then another of my friends who’s got half a dozen eggs in the baby basket already made a flippant remark about how babies “just happen” as if they truly do fall out of the stork’s mouth as he makes his annual migration over their home. I bit back a tear and forced a smile when I replied that it’s not exactly that simple for everyone.
So, among other things, infertility is my lot in life and I get that we all have our personal challenges and I’m to learn to endure it well and appreciate what I have and that I can look forward to the day when I won’t be limited by my mortal challenges anymore. I’m in good company with some of the amazing women in the scriptures. (I’m so grateful for Genesis and the remarkable compelling accounts of Sarah & Rebekah whose stories were somehow inspired to be included in a male dominated book of scripture.) I always know that in the back of my head but on Monday, it was hard to pull that file up.
Tuesday was a sort of numb blur. Spent much of the morning mentally beating myself up over old baggage I think I’ve repented of, have repeatedly sent to the dump, but still haven’t forgiven myself for. Then in the afternoon I got some good news that we’ll have family coming to visit for a few days this weekend on a surprise honeymoon. (Ram’s sister thinks their honeymoon in the outer islands of Tahiti is the whole plan but the groom planned their return to the international airport just before the flight to HNL is scheduled to depart. I’m liking my new bro-in-law a whole lot more already. Nice surprise!) That gives me three nights to thoroughly clean the house and somehow empty the storage room back into a guest room. On the bright side, I’m going to have a clean house for Mother’s Day – even if I’m the only one cleaning it. It’s nice to have a goal to distract and motivate me.
Wednesday was an answer to my prayers. Somehow the morning went really smoothly. Zana woke up relatively easily and without her customary morning whine. She then made her own breakfast which is a new development we’ve been encouraging. I was able to easily pack a good lunch for Zeth and said a silent prayer of thanks that I’m blessed to have abundant food to feed my family. Bear in mind that one of the daily tasks I least look forward to is preparing food and packing lunches. I don’t know why, but food prep is just drudgery to me.
I was able to draw Zeth back to consciousness by singing him awake with an original personalized version of “The wheels on the bus” that helped him wake up smiling rather than kicking and crabby like usual. He resisted putting on the green t-shirt I had selected until I was able to convince him that green is a very nice color (it’s the color of our house, my car and even very close to my own favorite color) then he insisted on wearing it. He handled the drop-off at the sitters happily and called out cheerful good-byes on my way out the door.
Just a few minutes later as I was driving to work, I had a sweet, strange spiritual moment. I just suddenly felt happy, light and had the serene sense that my spirit is somehow larger, greater and more powerful than the small confines of my physical body. I felt my spirit or maybe it was just my very existence sort of expand and grow outside the car and across the road in this realm of light. I became aware that I am infused with a small dose of the Deity from which I was created, and that I have a larger purpose and impact than I am aware of. At the same time, I was able to see how very very small and insignificant I am from a more celestial perspective. So I have a ways to go but there’s hope for me yet.
Now, if I could just learn to truly love the Nazi.
On a happy note, today is Cinco de Mayo which marks the 1-year anniversary of us legally finalizing Zeth’s adoption in the state court. That was a wonderful, happy and rewarding day. Looking back, it’s been a challenging but good & busy year. I am constantly overwhelmed with the ever increasing love I have towards our choice little children. I’m also amazed at the love Heavenly Father has for me in blessing me with a supportive and loving husband and two truly incredible kids.
